Tuesday, January 6, 2015

The More You Argue, the More You Love Each Other?

There is a huge misconception that the more you argue, the more you care about each other.  It shows that the more heated disagreements you can get through, the stronger your bond will be.  That, the more intense and loud you are to get each other’s points across, the more intense your affection will be once things calm down. 

I understand the basis for thinking this way.  You have one significant other who is very displeased and uncomfortable with how the other is so flirty, while the one being addressed is stating that that is just how they are, and that they feel like they aren’t trusted enough.  Both see something wrong with the situation.  It comes up more often than not, and perhaps each time a heated argument ensues.  Maybe, it has even happened in public, in front of friends.  But, neither wants to leave.  Why?  Because, as they will tell you, they “love each other”, or they “have gotten through worse together.  It’s just one of those things.”

But, is this how love actually is?  To just kind of “deal” with the differences in nature?  There is a huge difference between discussing a difference in opinion, and catapulting cursed insults at one another.  One has a compromise, or true understanding as the end result in mind.  The other, stems from an “I’m right” perspective.  Both people might actually be valid to feel the way they feel, but if both are looking only to yell their perspective and not listen, little will ever change.

You can read a million books on love, both new and old, and what you will always encounter is this:  real love is unconditional, and understanding.  Think about that a little closer.  It’s unconditional – meaning if love is present, you love the person without conditions.  There is no trying to change them.  But, love is also understanding.  You aren’t looking to be understood by your partner, but rather you are looking to understand them. 

Going back to our example, instead of shouting out to Significant Other A that they are too jealous, and that Significant Other B needs to be trusted more, they would try to put themselves in SO A’s shoes, and see where they are coming from.  Likewise, Significant Other A would try to put themselves in B’s position, and realize that we all have certain things in our personalities that might not resonate will with the relationships – including something within themselves.  You try to understand where the other person is coming from through genuine empathy.

No one wants to be forced to do anything.  Especially, in relationships.  We shouldn’t try to change people.  It’s not our right.  Someone makes LASTING changes when they actually want to.  If it’s forced, it will work for a little while, but as soon as frustration from being a way they don’t want to be sets in, anger is sure to follow.  Which is why, you really only have two choices in a relationship that either has, or wants to have, real love in it: 

1)       As true partners, discuss calmly what each of you believe is causing the strife, and actually listen to the other person.  Comprehend as best you can the other person’s perspective.  After listening, and understanding, think and mention of ways YOU can contribute to move forward positively.  It’s not about who is right, it’s about what will work for the both of you to have a happy, and vibrant relationship.

2)      If neither of you are willing to do things differently because you want to, for the sake of the relationship, then you might want consider that you do not have to actually stay in the relationship.  SO many times, people are not actually “in love”, but rather they are comfortable in the relationship.  Meaning, this is what they currently know.  It might even be years that have been invested in the relationship, and we don’t want to start over.  Or we don’t want to be alone.  Or we have kids together.  The list of reasons why we think we can’t leave is endless, but the overall feeling of the relationship stays the same:  unhappiness.

Each relationship is unique and different, made up of unique people.  But human habits are completely consistent.  We are all capable of having the relationships we want, but we have to be able to stand for it, and do what is necessary to cultivate it.  It takes all involved to make it work.  I invite you to look within yourself, and see what you can come up with that will add to the greatness of your current relationship. 

What can you do, as an individual, to show your significant other how much you appreciate them, how much you understand them (or want to understand them), and how important the relationship is to you?  Try this from a completely unconditional, and selfless perspective, and you will be amazed at the difference this can make.

Photo credit:  imgarcade.com

Lover of Family, Life, and Possibility. Creative Soul. "Stop Thinking You Can't, and Start Knowing You Can." Reach out to me, and let me know how I can help!


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